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Note to Self: Don't Waste My Time
Rule 4: Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.
This chapter is dense with wisdom, and every section builds logically on the last, leading to one powerful conclusion: the only comparison worth making is between who you are today and who you were yesterday. At first glance, this might not seem like a tool to bring order to chaos—but as we explore it together, its power will become clear. In the end, comparing myself to anyone but me is just a waste of time and energy.
Why We Don’t Compare Ourselves to Others
Comparing yourself to others is not only harmful but also impractical. Life is too complex for meaningful comparisons. For instance, you might excel at work but struggle at home, while someone else has a thriving family life but feels unfulfilled in their career. Or you have a great family life and fulfilling career, but your health is becoming an issue. Who’s doing better?
Such comparisons are fundamentally flawed because no one can excel in every area, nor can we fully understand another person's reality. Instead, the only productive option is to compare yourself today to who you were yesterday. In my mind, though, this is only helpful if you know what you’re aiming for.
The Foundation: Truth and Integrity
In this book, as in his other publications, Peterson repeatedly emphasizes the importance of seeking and speaking truth with integrity. In this case it means being honest with yourself about who you are, what you want, and what you need. This self-assessment is difficult but essential. Like a home inspector finding flaws in a property, it requires an unvarnished look at yourself to make informed decisions about what needs fixing and what would make your world better. The World. Actually better.
I had an epiphany about this years ago when I began to suspect that celebrities might have depression and low self-esteem because of their outward perfection - well, actually because of their journey to get there; they have been acutely aware of every flaw, real or imagined, without the message that they're still "okay". The focus is the difference. When I am the focus of all of my attention, it’s an endeavor with limited returns, a short lifespan, and is going to be pretty lonely. I need to think of what’s better for what’s beyond me.
As we consider the next points, look at them through a lens of truth and integrity – be honest with yourself and speak the truth.
The Limits of Our Focus
We can only focus on so much at once, and what we focus on determines what we neglect. Peterson references the famous 'invisible gorilla' ⧉ experiment, clearly showing how limited our attention is—we’re blind to what we don’t deliberately choose to see. This makes choosing the right focus critical. If we don’t prioritize carefully, we risk overlooking opportunities for meaningful improvement. Essentially, we risk not knowing what we should even consider to make better! (I don’t like that limitation! Perhaps it would be better helpful if we surround ourselves with people who care for us! ⧉)
Incentivizing Incremental Growth
Peterson’s view of humanity is refreshingly self-deprecating, yet still hopeful: we are not all we could be, but we can be more. This aligns with a concept I’ve written about before, Incremental Growth Goals (IGGs) ⧉ . However, Peterson adds a crucial piece I’ve overlooked: rewards. Improvement itself is valuable, but reinforcement through celebration is equally important, without it, progress can feel hollow. Yes, I need to find a way to incentivize myself. Whether at work or in life, acknowledging and rewarding small victories creates momentum and builds resilience for future challenges. I plan to incorporate this more deliberately in my daily practice.
Resentment and Disappointment
When we fall short, it’s easy to blame external factors, but often the root lies within us—our misunderstanding of what’s required, unwillingness to do the work, or misaligned goals. Peterson’s advice to reflect honestly extends to our objectives and failures, helping to reframe disappointment into a valuable lesson. For example, when seeking a promotion, it’s worth asking: do I want the role or the title? Or at home, do I want my kids to behave or just be quiet? Understanding these distinctions can help reframe what success means, allowing you to focus on what truly matters. It’s amazing how honesty and integrity can make that extremely challenging but, ultimately, meaningful!
The Right-Sized Pond
One of Peterson’s more surprising comments, to me anyway, is the disproportionate success of small-town individuals compared to city-born ones. At first, that suggested to me that it’s better to be a “big fish in a small pond” than the reverse. After a bit of thought, though, success and challenge must balance each other—too much failure leads to despair, while too much ease leads to stagnation. His observation was that success in a “small town” is a bit more likely and gives the dopamine hit everyone is looking for. My take – finding the “right-sized” pond for growth is key. Too big and you won’t have as many “wins”; too small, and there’s not much chance for development and actual growth.
A “Better” Strategy
Peterson also dives into the morality of purpose and the concept of “better”—the recurring theme in this chapter. The belief that you, your family, your neighborhood, your world, could or should be better is the foundation of striving for improvement, whether in small IGGs or larger life goals. Knowing what you want, ensuring it’s the right thing, and identifying the next step are essential.
Peterson offers a simple but powerful strategy for incremental, deliberate improvement – a way to move toward “better”. Ask yourself three questions:
- What is it that’s bothering me?
- Is that something I could fix?
- Would I actually be willing to fix it?
And this is the strategy: if the answer is "no" to any question, aim lower. Find something manageable, something you can fix and are willing to act on, and start there. Success doesn’t require monumental change; it’s built on 500 decisions made every day, some of which need to be directed to building a better future. If your answer to those 3 questions is “yes” – do it! Don’t delay!
My Takeaway from Rule 4
Of course, I want to be better. Of course, I want the world to be better. But “better” is a nebulous thing.
Sometimes we know what “better” is, sometimes we don’t. Unfortunately, we have to sacrifice the “better” in one area of life for the “better” in another. We can make meaningful progress toward “better” only when we focus what we are motivated to do, what we can do, and then take action to do; we must align our actions with truth and integrity. The goal may be monumental change, but success we can engineer will require small, deliberate steps that align with our values and purpose; otherwise we’re just being busy, not productive, and we know that’s a waste of time and energy.
It's tempting, and easy, to compare myself to others -- I can get an inflated sense of self worth or I can wallow in my imperfections. It will, inevitably, put me on the path of focusing on the wrong things. I'll spend my time "fixing" things that I see others are doing well and I want to mimic but don't apply to my situation; alternatively, I'll neglect the work I need to, in an area that I'm doing "better" than my exemplar. Any time I devote to anything that isn't the most important thing is a waste of my time and my energy.
