All Posts
The Same, but Different
Rule 3: Make friends with people who want the best for you
A while back, I came across the idea that "you are the average of your five closest friends." At first, I brushed it off as a sweeping generalization. But after thinking about it, I started asking, "What does that really mean?" It turns out, it can mean a lot—your income, IQ, temperament, style, vocabulary, health, humor... nearly every aspect of your life could theoretically average out with those five folks who are closest to you.
Admittedly, some of those metrics might be impossible to measure, but it’s easy to see how this principle plays out. For starters, I naturally gravitate toward people who are similar enough to me to share common ground but different enough to be interesting. Shared activities also come into play—whether it’s finances, physical abilities, or even intellectual compatibility. No one wants to be too far ahead or behind their companions; it’s just harder to connect deeply when there’s a significant gap in capabilities or understanding. Similar, but different, seems to be the sweet spot.
Is this a hard-and-fast rule? Probably not. But it made me pause and consider the implications.
Am I the way I am because of the people I surround myself with? Or do I unconsciously choose people who match who I already am? Or could it be that our culture is homogeneous enough that just about any five people would result in a similar average? I doubt it’s the latter.
How to Marry a Millionaire
I once heard a story about a little girl discussing her future plans. Someone remarked that, given her ambitions, she’d need to win the lottery or marry a millionaire to make it all happen. Without hesitation, she replied, “I don’t play the lottery. I’m going to marry a millionaire.” Skeptical, the questioner asked how she was so sure. Her answer? “That’s easy—I’m only going to date millionaires!”
This story, while funny, illustrates the power of intentionality. If you know what you’re aiming for, you make choices to align with that goal. (On a side note, here's something worth considering, too: if you're making decisions without a specific goal in mind, you have an unspoken or unacknowledged objective.)
Being Deliberate About Relationships
If I unconsciously choose my friends, maybe it’s time to be more deliberate. If I consciously choose my friends, it’s worth identifying what’s truly good for me in those relationships. And there’s the million-dollar question: What is good for me? Who should I surround myself with, and why?
For my benefit? For theirs? Or for some greater purpose?
Jordan Peterson's Rule 3
In 12 Rules for Life, Jordan Peterson addresses this very issue with Rule 3: Make friends with people who want the best for you.
He emphasizes that the company you keep significantly shapes your character, values, and opportunities. Peterson’s point is clear: we have a choice, and we must exercise it wisely. Healthy friendships help us grow into better versions of ourselves and move closer to our goals.
Rule 3 Points the Way
-
The Role of Friendships in Personal Growth
True friends celebrate your successes, support you through challenges, and inspire you to improve. These relationships are built on mutual respect and trust. -
Avoid Toxic Relationships
Peterson warns against relationships with people who are self-destructive or envious of your progress. While it’s noble to help others, consistently associating with those who resist growth can hinder your own. -
The Value of Reciprocity
Healthy friendships involve mutual effort and care. Peterson stresses the importance of balance—friends should give as much as they receive, creating a supportive environment where both parties thrive. -
Recognizing Red Flags
Be wary of individuals who undermine your progress, whether out of envy or their unwillingness to confront their flaws. These relationships can lead to stagnation or even regression. -
Practical Application
Be intentional about your relationships. Surround yourself with people who inspire you to take responsibility, set meaningful goals, and live with integrity. Let go of relationships that consistently drain you, even if they’ve been long-standing.
My Key Takeaway From Rule 3
Choose carefully. Evaluate myself ruthlessly.
If I’m not who I want to be or where I want to be, I need to ask: Who am I surrounding myself with?
This isn’t about abdicating responsibility for my life—it’s about acknowledging that change often requires the positive influence of others. I’m also wary of the temptation to manipulate relationships into fake friendships for my own agenda. I know my motives aren’t always pure, and I need to guard against self-deception. Clearly, it's not easy, or everyone would do it.
At the same time, I need to be honest about relationships that are toxic, lack reciprocity, or actively undermine my progress. Whether by omission or commission, these relationships hold me back, and it’s my responsibility to address them—even if that means letting them go.
But it’s not just about what I receive from my friendships. It’s also about what I bring to them.
I need to consider how I am impacting my friends. Am I being the agent of growth they need? Am I encouraging them, supporting them, and helping them move toward their best selves? Or am I inadvertently holding them back?
How can I be the kind of friend who inspires growth and positive change? How can I ensure I’m contributing to their journey as much as they contribute to mine?
Life is too short to leave your growth and well-being—or your impact on others—to chance. Be intentional about the people you surround yourself with and the kind of friend you aspire to be. Together, you shape each other's lives in profound ways. In the end, you reflect the influence of those closest to you—woven from the same threads, but with your own unique pattern. The same, but different.
