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Negotiation 101: Know the Goal

Rule 10: Be precise in your speech

 

 

I remember watching my newborn children struggle to communicate. Every cry, every gesture, was an earnest attempt to express their needs without the words to do so. As parents, our job was to interpret these signals. Was it hunger? Discomfort? A desire for connection? Misreading their signals often led to more frustration—for them and for us. Truthfully, that doesn't end with infancy -- we don't often know (or are willing to share) what we really want!

 

This struggle reflects a universal truth: even with the best intentions, communication often requires interpretation. As adults, we may have words, but imprecision or vagueness in speech can still create frustration, confusion, and conflict. This doesn't even account for intentional opaquness when we aren't sure we want to be completely transparent. Rule 10 challenges us to overcome this gap by being precise in what we say—and in what we mean.

 

Understanding the Win

Clear communication goes beyond solving immediate needs, though tt does that. When my children were young, addressing their cries was about more than food or comfort; it was about building trust and connection. Over time, our understanding of their needs evolved from survival to fostering their independence and to encourange them to seek their own fulfillment.

This mirrors how communication functions in other areas of life. At work, in relationships, or within ourselves, it’s important not just to address the immediate need but to articulate the larger goal. Precision in speech allows us to create shared visions of success that go beyond simply “getting by.”

 

Beyond Needs to Wants

When communication is vague, we often remain stuck addressing only basic needs. Moving beyond survival requires intentional conversations about what we want to achieve.

Consider the difference between:

• "We need to finish this project."
• "Our goal is to complete the project by next Friday, ensuring the client has time to review it and provide feedback."

 

The second statement provides clarity and opens the door to alignment. Conversations about what we want—not just what we need—help us achieve meaningful progress and build shared purpose.

 

Setting Goals, Declaring Goals

The cost of vagueness is steep, often measured in wasted time, misaligned efforts, and unmet expectations. When we say something as simple as, "Do the dishes," we might assume our meaning is clear. But is it? Do we mean the dishes should be done within an hour? Does it include drying them, putting them away, wiping down the counters, or storing leftovers? Without clear expectations, compliance may fall short of what we envisioned, leaving room for frustration—even when the other person thinks they’ve fulfilled the request.

 

Being precise about what we mean and what we expect is key:

Vague request: "I need you to clean up after dinner."

Specific request: "Please wash the dishes within an hour of finishing the meal, dry them, put them away, wipe down the counters, and get the leftovers put away."

 

It may feel excessive to spell out these details, but doing so eliminates ambiguity and sets the stage for mutual understanding. Precision also opens the door to discussion. To be sure, once definitions are clearly mutual, shortcuts, like "clean up after dinner" might be completely sufficient.

 

The Value of Discussion and Negotiation

When we articulate specific expectations, it gives others a chance to engage. The dishwasher might respond:

• "Can I do the dishes in the morning instead?"

• "I’ll handle the dishes, but could you put away the leftovers?"

These conversations might spark a brief disagreement, but they establish clarity. One honest discussion, argument, or even a lighthearted, but genuine and sincere comment might resolve tension and set expectations that make things easier for years to come.

By contrast, vague communication often leads to unmet expectations, frustration, and resentment over time. Precision turns potential conflict into opportunities for collaboration and mutual understanding.

Conflict Is Easier to Navigate with Clarity

When expectations are clear, conflict becomes more constructive. Instead of arguing about what was meant, discussions focus on how or when things should happen. For example:

• Without clarity: "I thought you were going to do the dishes!"
• With clarity: "We agreed the dishes would be done after dinner. What’s your plan for handling them tonight?"
   

Clear expectations prevent passive aggressive blame and, instead, foster problem-solving. They transform misunderstandings into manageable conversations.

 

Energy and Effort “Moves to the Left”

Effort made early saves time and frustration later. Clarifying goals and expectations upfront—whether in setting tasks, resolving conflicts, or defining responsibilities—prevents wasted effort and emotional strain in the future.

This principle applies everywhere:

• Parenting: Taking the time to understand a child’s needs prevents prolonged crying and frustration.
• Teamwork: Clearly defining roles and responsibilities at the start of a project eliminates confusion and rework.
• Personal goals: Planning how to achieve a goal today ensures energy is spent productively rather than fixing mistakes tomorrow.

The ripple effects of miscommunication are far-reaching, but a little effort now avoids wasted time and resentment later. Clarity and precision reduce inefficiency and make space for trust and growth.

 

The Right Effort Prevents Wasted Effort (and Resentment)

When communication is vague, we often misinterpret intentions and expend effort on unnecessary tasks. This breeds inefficiency and, ultimately, resentment. By taking the time to clarify both what we mean and what we don’t mean, we ensure that our time and energy are directed toward meaningful outcomes...the right outcomes.
 

The effort required for precise communication may feel burdensome at first, but the long-term benefits—trust, collaboration, and smoother relationships—are well worth it.

My Takeaway: Clear Communication Requires Reflection

Precision in communication isn’t just about avoiding misunderstandings—it’s about fostering connection, collaboration, and long-term harmony. Whether interpreting a newborn’s cry, defining a household task, or setting professional goals, the effort to be specific opens doors to understanding and cooperation.

Each discussion, argument, or moment of clarity today can create a foundation for easier and more fulfilling interactions for years to come. It may provide actionable results, or it may simply open the door to honest, productive conversations in the future. With precision, we don’t just get the job done—we build relationships and trust along the way.

 

But to do that, I need to spend the time to reflect. What do I really want? Before I can communicate my expectations and enter into negotiations, I need to be sure I know what I truly need, not just what I think I need. And if these needs change, I need the humility and courage to re-enter the conversation.